China Drops UNOCAL Bid, Makes Offer on Supreme Court
Posted by The Evil Emperor Mindstation @ 7/20/2005 07:43:00 PM
Outraged over their failed plan to purchase UNOCAL, Chinese officials, determined to own a controlling interest in America's future, have announced their intent to engage in a hostile takeover of the Supreme Court.
The purchase comes at an ideal time for China, as the general tenor of the court will tip precipitously pro-American with the confirmation of John G Roberts as the 109th justice of the court. It is believed that Beijing believes ownership of the court will allow it to fire whichever justices do not give it special favor in rulings on "open trade, gross polluters, and the rescinding of all worker safety and child labor laws."
In an heroic effort to stop communist infiltration, an American corporation has made a counter-bid on the court. Calvin Klein has tendered a $3.5 billion offer, and promised to move the Supreme Court to its "Live Billboard" located in New York City. The live billboard is currently home to about 40 models who are paid to simulate a 24-hour party, two stories above the city streets.
"Think about it", said Calvin Klein representative Joseph Gutenberg, "Instead of partying models, pedestrians will now be able to view live Supreme Court hearings, and experience the justices as they go about their daily lives. And if you think models know how to party, wait until you meet Ginsburg!"
The company has said that the new "Courtboard" will primarily be used to advertise new law-themed products, such as Calvin Klein's Obsession v. Ralph Lauren Blue.
Bystanders at street-level will also be treated to a special glimpse of what lies beneath the judges' robes. Wide-brim hat vendors are expected to experience exponential profit increases as their headwear comes into high demand due to its peripheral-vision-obscuring properties.
- The Evil Emperor Mindstation, P.Z.I.C.